Morning Stroll

Por Felipe Torres Medina

REC 9 Relatos

SCENE 1

Two joggers. They’re done with their run. Maybe Central Park. Winter.

PHIL

Have you ever fallen in love with an existentialist?

BRAD

Huh?

PHIL

You know, an existentialist?

BRAD

You- you mean like a philosopher or something?

PHIL

Of course not! Not a philosopher. How many philosophers do you even know?

BRAD

I know Jessie.

PHIL

Jessie’s an art major with a minor in political science. Just because she’s read Heidegger-

BRAD

Ok, ok, what about Jack Rowling? He’s a philosophy major.

PHIL

Exactly, so he’s not a philosopher. He just studies them. Or rather, he says he does, but you and I both know he just hangs around the apartment his dad pays for downloading Monty Python off the Internet.

BRAD

Whoa! Whoa! Who’s to say Monty Python aren’t philosophers?

PHIL

Well… They’re… We… You’re missing the point here!

BRAD

Which would be…

PHIL

What I just asked you!

BRAD

Oh, right, the existentialist stuff.

PHIL

Yeah.

Pause.

PHIL

So, have you?

BRAD

(Chugging off his water bottle)

What?

PHIL

Ever dated an existentialist!

BRAD

Oh, right! No. I don’t think so. I mean, not that I remember all of the main philosophical currents.

PHIL

Oh, look out, it’s Mr. I-get-laid-so-much-I-can’t-tell-if-the-last-girl-I-slept-with-was-

BRAD

Haha! Yeah! Sylvia, what was she?

PHIL

She was a whore.

BRAD

I think she said she was a big fan of Hegel.

PHIL

I mean, who would say she loved both Aristotle’s and Plato’s views on the arts?

BOTH

What a whore.

PHIL

I have.

BRAD

What?

PHIL

Fallen in love with an existentialist.

BRAD

Really? Who?

PHIL

Casey.

BRAD

No way!

PHIL

Yup. Casey Thompson.

BRAD

But, but she owns a car!

PHIL

I know! Plus, after what her dissertation on Schopenhauer-

BRAD

Right, right, “Why Schopenhauer’s Totally Emo Vibe Makes Him Totally Wrong”.

PHIL

So, yeah, I was just thinking about her as we passed the frozen pond, you know, the one by the dead trees?

BRAD

Yeah, yeah.

PHIL

And I realized she was the best break-up I’ve ever had in my life!

BRAD

No way!

PHIL

Yeah!

BRAD

Better than that time with the Neo-Platonist?

PHIL

Yeah! I know! Impossible, right?

BRAD

How was it?

PHIL

It was just amazing. Magical. We went to a midnight screening of “La Dolce Vita”, and then to that Waffle House by the freeway.

BRAD

And?

PHIL

And then she says: “We need to talk”-

BRAD

Classic opener.

PHIL

I know. So then she starts talking about how she’s unhappy, and how she doesn’t feel anything anymore when she’s with me-

BRAD

(Growing increasingly excited)

Yes! And!?

PHIL

Right when she’s gonna go with the whole “It’s not you, it’s me” routine, she goes: “Look, it’s not just you, it’s everything. It’s all of existence. I feel like existence is like continuously pushing in on me. I, I feel the Nausea, you know?”

BRAD

NO! She really said that?

PHIL

I know! She quoted Sartre on me!

BRAD

Wow! Just… WOW!

PHIL

I know. What a nice girl, huh?

BRAD

Yeah, yeah.

PHIL

I mean, I obviously broke down and cried, and held unto her leg screaming for twenty minutes-

BRAD

Obviously.

PHIL

But it’s nice to hear it wasn’t your fault, for once. I mean, it’s not as if I couldn’t make her happy. Existence was continuously crashing unto her! How can you argue with that?

BRAD

Word.

Blackout.